Any relationship can be fabulous as long as no one ever expresses anything unpleasant!
In days gone by, I was the kind of person who would be sure to explode if someone told me to “take it easy” or “chill out.” I would give them exactly what they were trying to avoid – a full-blown freak-out. Over time, I came to believe that these experiences represented the “fact” that I was too larger-than-life, too much for people to handle, and maybe just too crazy.
Some of those experiences happened so long ago that it’s surprising how clearly I remember them. I have a very vivid recollection of being in the car with my then-boyfriend. We were sitting at a traffic light, when he suddenly turned to me and asked, “why do you have to be so dramatic about everything?”
You can imagine my response, complete with flailing arms, flared nostrils, and perhaps even some spittle flying from my side of the car to his. He watched in terror while trying not to make any sudden moves, as I showed him exactly what happens when my (admittedly large) capacity for conveying emotion is called into question in a negative way.
Basically he was looking for someone who would say whatever they needed to say quietly and calmly, without any of the gesticulations and big gestures he had come to expect from me. I regularly access the full range of human emotions, and I figured that he must be into it, otherwise what was he doing dating me? He had no response to that, and I remember thinking that he couldn’t say anything because he must have known I was right. In reality, he had probably failed to respond because he’d put up a safety shield to block me, and as such had completely tuned me out.
That relationship was a great example of how chemistry and compatibility are not the same thing. It wasn’t that one of us was right and the other was wrong, but more a case of an analog person trying to mate with a digital person. These two different types of people deal with emotional responses in completely different ways, so much so that it’s worth making sure you don’t confuse the two.
I am a good example of a digitally emotional personality, with a greater capacity for outward response, and a heightened interested in exploring emotional responses. But before I came to terms with this, I used to try to force myself to be more analog, more in control of my feelings and responses, because I thought people found it more acceptable if I could be less high-maintenance, less intuitive, and less expressive.
I finally learned my lesson: there is very little mileage in trying to deny my true nature, or to try to minimize my feelings about things. Likewise, there’s no point in trying to blame someone else if their way of dealing with emotions does not mesh with mine. That ex-boyfriend was reserved and emotionally conservative, and there’s nothing wrong with that. My mistake was trying to force him to love my big nature, and punish him with it when he didn’t. We simply did not bring out the best in each other or in ourselves with that relationship, and eventually when that fundamental difference came to the surface, we called it quits.
After that, I made the choice to start attracting the kind of people who would love and appreciate me for my intense emotions, for my larger-than-life way of expressing them, and for my passion. I wanted to meet people who weren’t intimidated by a strong personality, and who actually felt invigorated and energized by it! When my husband arrived on the scene, it was like a match made in heaven. You have to make yourself into a magnet for the things that will enrich and reflect who you really are. It all starts from a place of self-acceptance and love for your highest self. And that’s the key: Great Relationships Begin Within!
*The magnet is the second tool in my relationship tool belt. Get a copy of Hindsight: What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers! at www.maryannelive.com
