One of the most difficult words to learn how to say is “NO.” For women,
the issue is usually a strong fear of not being liked, yet by not saying
“no” we often close the door between ourselves and what we really want.
I’m sure you can remember a situation where “no” was the answer your body
gave you, but you overrode that reflex and ended up in a situation that was
both uncomfortable and unnecessary. The key is learning to trust your
body’s contraction when it tells you to say “NO,” and not to think that you
are smarter than your intuition.
Evans asks:
“My ex girlfriend says she likes me, but she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a
commitment right now. We began kissing and holding hands 2 weeks after the
breakup but she stopped because she doesn’t want to complicate things. What
should I do if I want to win her back?”
Based on what you’ve told me, there are two very clear signals here: “she
doesn’t want a boyfriend or commitment,” and “she stopped because she
doesn’t want to complicate things.” Love is not a game with prizes to be
won. Ask her opinion about what went wrong in the relationship, and use
that information to learn something and better yourself. Then you’ll be
better prepared to move on and find someone who actually wants what you
have to offer.
Brandon asks:
“On several occasions I have asked my fiancé how much she loves me and if
she’s willing to sacrifice things like; moving, leaving her friends and
family to come with me. She constantly avoids the questions. What I want to
know is does she really love me seeing as she doesn’t seem willing to give
up some things for our relationship?”
There’s one big sign of commitment and sacrifice you seem to be missing
here: Do you know how many people are on this earth? Nearly seven billion.
And who did she choose to be with out of all those people? YOU! Instead
of focusing on all the tests of sacrifice that you could come up with that
she could fail, how about being glad for the fact that she has committed
herself to being with and loving you? Sometimes it’s just a matter of
looking at the positive side of a situation instead of trying to spin it
negatively.
Melissa asks:
“My husband of 19 yrs. was just caught having an affair. It was going on
for 2½ years. Since then he has been begging, pleading, etc., that it was a
mistake and he only wants me and the kids. I believe he is close to a
nervous breakdown. Here is my question; the only place they ever saw each
other was at her apartment during the day for sex 2-3x a month. He never
bought her anything, took her anywhere or gave her any money. She confirmed
this so it has to be true. He insists he never cared for her, it was only
sex. He never told her he loved her. He called her in front of me and told
her I love my wife, you were only sex, she freaked. Could it be true to
have a 2½ yr affair and have no feelings for her?”
This is probably the hardest relationship dilemma you will ever face: the
contradiction between wanting to believe someone, when their actions have
indicated that they cannot be believed. The vows of marriage emphasize
monogamy and trust, the two supporting pillars of a committed relationship.
When the wrecking ball comes through and knocks those pillars out from
under you (both at the same time, no less), you have to ask yourself some
very difficult questions. What would it take for you to be able to trust
this man again? What would the situation have to be for you to believe
what comes out of his mouth? Also, question yourself about your own part
in this – what was and is your role?
We live in a world where a growing culture of self-examination has led to
us having a wealth of tools for healing. This is good news if you are
looking for some additional wisdom to help you face some tough issues. How
to Love Your Marriage by Eve Eschner Hogan is one of my favorite books on
this subject. Thank you for taking the time to share your situation.
Blessings – http://maryannelive.com
