Guest Author: Alison Finch
As I sit down to write this article, there are two strong influences in my mind.
The first is that very popular and rather catchy current single by Britney Spears which seems to be playing almost constantly on all the TV music channels at the moment: “why don’t you DO somethin’?”
Why is this so significant in an article about jealousy?
Because I’ve almost lost count of the number of women who have written to me and used Britney as an example of someone who can cause them to feel overwhelmed by powerful feelings of jealousy, especially if they catch their partner seated on the couch with his eyes seemingly fixated on Britney’s gorgeous legs or her big brown eyes!
So it seems a bit like an ironic coincidence that the lyrics in Britney’s smash hit are pertinent to an article about overcoming jealous emotions. It would do no harm at all for you to have that rather pleasant refrain in your head next time you feel consumed by jealousy: why don’t you DO somethin’?
But do what?
What should you do? Turn off the TV? Slap your partner around the face? Scream?
Certainly not! To be frank with you, I believe that any man who wouldn’t find Britney pleasant to look at is, well, perhaps a bit unusual and possibly rather dull. The truth is, finding Britney attractive is about as “normal” for a man as finding women attractive at all.
Ah, you can see already that I’m talking about men in the context of jealousy.
Jealousy is a too big a subject to cover within one short article and, in the interests of helping as many women as I possibly can, I’ve decided to focus primarily on the most common form of jealousy experienced by our member base: sexual jealousy involving male partners who notice other women.
By now, many of you will be feeling quite cross with me. I’ve had letters telling me how strongly some of you feel that men should have eyes only for the woman they’ve chosen as their partner, and that even looking at another woman is disrespectful and possibly even tantamount to a betrayal of trust.
If you are one of those women, please, PLEASE pause for a moment until the angry red mist in front of your eyes begins to clear, because you have a great deal to gain from looking calmly and rationally at your emotions.
Each of us, because we are adult women and thinking human beings, has already formed a morality. We have a sense of what we believe is “right or appropriate” and what we believe is “wrong or inappropriate”. We have some principles that guide us, often subconsciously, to make decisions in our lives that are good decisions – not just decisions that are good for us, but decisions that have some intrinsic merit in them as well.
But, unless we have spent hours and hours contemplating our beliefs, or taken up philosophy as our hobby and passion, then it’s possible that not all of our beliefs and principles are consistent with each other. And if that’s the case, then one or more of your beliefs and principles is likely to be just plain wrong.
Isn’t that exciting?
life can be like a crossword puzzle
Imagine being stuck with what looks like a simple crossword puzzle. You have just a couple more words to get and you’re finished, but you just cannot make the clues fit with the letters that exist already on the page. What if it occurred to you that one of the words you had written down already was wrong? If you fix the “wrong” word, the rest of the crossword suddenly becomes easy and you finish with a flourish!
Life can be like that sometimes too. If you have a loving, caring relationship with your partner, but you freak out when he looks at Britney then maybe it’s worth checking the basis for your emotions.
For example, would you be so upset if he watched a holiday program about villas in Spain? What if he was thinking, “Wow, that looks like a great house in a fabulous country – it must be great living there!”
Would you feel betrayed? Should he be so enamoured with your home that he would never even find it interesting to admire a house in a country that he may have neither the means nor the desire to visit?
Would you worry that he might harbour secret thoughts that he’d really like to be living in Spain, not here in your home?
What if your partner likes Rock music – would you feel betrayed because you can’t sing and you think he’d love you so much more if you could?
You can see where I’m going with this, right? If you think it’s OK for your partner to look at a villa in Spain, then why’s it so hard to let him look at Britney Spears?
Maybe your beliefs and principles are inconsistent. So why don’t you DO something to change them?
Easier said than done?
here’s a way forward
The next time you feel those dreadful pangs of jealousy when your partner notices another woman on TV, or in a bar, or on a billboard, or when your attractive female friend pops round for a chat, FORCE yourself to examine the basis for your emotions. And, while you do this, keep one simple word in mind.
The word is tenderness.
It’s sort of a strange word, isn’t it? It’s one that we don’t think of often, but it’s a mighty useful word that can help us to do the right thing in many situations where our emotions would otherwise be brittle or harsh. If you have a young child whom you adore, for example, and that child inadvertently and accidentally breaks a vase that’s been in your family for generations what do you feel? Angry, upset, revengeful? Do you lash out at that child because of the pain and disappointment that you feel? Or do you temper your emotions with tenderness, because you love that child and you can see the broader perspective of how much your relationship means to each of you, and you can see that the action was not intended to hurt you or cause you pain?
If you’re with your current partner because you treasure your relationship, keep that strange and powerful word tenderness in mind the next time his behaviour causes a surge of jealousy to course through you veins. Ask yourself whether he is really doing something deliberately to hurt you or cause you pain. Look rationally at his behaviour with tenderness in your heart, because the chances are he’s not doing anything “wrong or inappropriate” and it may be “wrong and inappropriate” for you to condemn him for what you fear might be in his mind, but probably isn’t.
After all, of all the women in the world, your partner chose you didn’t he? It was his free choice wasn’t it?
Not all men act with integrity
Now, I wouldn’t want you to think that I’m being naïve, or that I’m blind to the possibility that your partner is treating you disrespectfully, or neglecting you, or not showing you the care and consideration that you deserve. All these things are possible, and they would indicate that there is something sadly lacking in your relationship.
The critical point is that it makes sense to look at his behaviour as a whole, and judge him in broader terms than whether he enjoys noticing the existence of other women on the planet. If he says he loves you, if he shows you affection, if he gives you compliments and tells you that you’re special, then why not give him a bit of a break and start living up to his positive perception of you.
The key thing to remember is that the majority of men have the ability to find many women attractive but still hold a unique place in their hearts for the special women they have chosen as their partners. Your man chose you, not Britney, and it was for reasons that presumably still exist today. So let him enjoy what else is beautiful in life, whether it’s the image of a delightful Spanish villa, a vibrant Rock tune, or Britney’s big brown eyes. The fact that each of those things exists makes the world more beautiful, not more ugly, so make a decision to enjoy this beautiful world with your partner, and direct your resentment instead towards the Green Eyed Monster.
I said at the beginning of this article that there were two strong influences in my mind. Britney’s song was one. The other is a breathtakingly beautiful poem that one of our members, Nicole, left in our Confidence Café. It is so very relevant to the emotions of jealousy and the sentiments within this article that I’ve reproduced it below:
“After a While” by Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
After a while, you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure
That you really are strong. And you really do have worth. And you learn and learn.
With every goodbye you learn.
This article is copyright protected: © 2003-2005 Ibex Management Limited. No part of this article may be modified or re-printed in any way without prior consent.
Alison Finch is the Founder and Creator of Selfesteem4women.com, which has become the number one most popular self-esteem site on the Internet. Since 2004, she has reached out to over 150,000 women from over 90 countries and provided the much needed help to boost their self-esteem, and in many cases overcome jealous feelings that are associated with it. Her unique approach to building self-esteem is refreshingly different and has a twelve-year proven track record of success.
www.selfesteem4women.com
Lisa Angelettie, M.S.W., is a psychotherapist, author, and life coach. She has been helping people make smarter life choices since 1998. Get more free tips like this when you subscribe to the GirlShrink newsletter .
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