One of the most difficult words to learn how to say is “NO.” For women,
the issue is usually a strong fear of not being liked, yet by not saying
“no” we often close the door between ourselves and what we really want.
I’m sure you can remember a situation where “no” was the answer your body
gave you, but you overrode that reflex and ended up in a situation that was
both uncomfortable and unnecessary. The key is learning to trust your
body’s contraction when it tells you to say “NO,” and not to think that you
are smarter than your intuition.

Evans asks:

“My ex girlfriend says she likes me, but she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a
commitment right now. We began kissing and holding hands 2 weeks after the
breakup but she stopped because she doesn’t want to complicate things. What
should I do if I want to win her back?”

Based on what you’ve told me, there are two very clear signals here: “she
doesn’t want a boyfriend or commitment,” and “she stopped because she
doesn’t want to complicate things.” Love is not a game with prizes to be
won. Ask her opinion about what went wrong in the relationship, and use
that information to learn something and better yourself. Then you’ll be
better prepared to move on and find someone who actually wants what you
have to offer.

Brandon asks:

“On several occasions I have asked my fiancé how much she loves me and if
she’s willing to sacrifice things like; moving, leaving her friends and
family to come with me. She constantly avoids the questions. What I want to
know is does she really love me seeing as she doesn’t seem willing to give
up some things for our relationship?”

There’s one big sign of commitment and sacrifice you seem to be missing
here: Do you know how many people are on this earth? Nearly seven billion.
And who did she choose to be with out of all those people? YOU! Instead
of focusing on all the tests of sacrifice that you could come up with that
she could fail, how about being glad for the fact that she has committed
herself to being with and loving you? Sometimes it’s just a matter of
looking at the positive side of a situation instead of trying to spin it
negatively.

Melissa asks:

“My husband of 19 yrs. was just caught having an affair. It was going on
for 2½ years. Since then he has been begging, pleading, etc., that it was a
mistake and he only wants me and the kids. I believe he is close to a
nervous breakdown. Here is my question; the only place they ever saw each
other was at her apartment during the day for sex 2-3x a month. He never
bought her anything, took her anywhere or gave her any money. She confirmed
this so it has to be true. He insists he never cared for her, it was only
sex. He never told her he loved her. He called her in front of me and told
her I love my wife, you were only sex, she freaked. Could it be true to
have a 2½ yr affair and have no feelings for her?”

This is probably the hardest relationship dilemma you will ever face: the
contradiction between wanting to believe someone, when their actions have
indicated that they cannot be believed. The vows of marriage emphasize
monogamy and trust, the two supporting pillars of a committed relationship.
When the wrecking ball comes through and knocks those pillars out from
under you (both at the same time, no less), you have to ask yourself some
very difficult questions. What would it take for you to be able to trust
this man again? What would the situation have to be for you to believe
what comes out of his mouth? Also, question yourself about your own part
in this – what was and is your role?

We live in a world where a growing culture of self-examination has led to
us having a wealth of tools for healing. This is good news if you are
looking for some additional wisdom to help you face some tough issues. How
to Love Your Marriage by Eve Eschner Hogan is one of my favorite books on
this subject. Thank you for taking the time to share your situation.

Blessings – http://maryannelive.com

Yesterday morning I woke up rocked me by a dream trilogy that spoke to me in the kind of way some dreams do and leave a film that you just can’t shake. After about a half hour of trying to analyze the dream and figure out what the “message” was, I gave up and decided to simply surrender into the heaviness that accompanied it (which, of course, I wasn’t in the mood for and was resisting).

Which also meant that my day would likely involve tears and being uncomfortable and not being able to say “Fine!” when anyone asked how I was doing today. All the stuff my mind loves to bookmark for workshops, long walks with dear friends—you know, more appropriate times. Not right in the middle of my life. How rude.

So, because I trust my practice and know that the highest truth for me is to move in and through whatever is here, particularly when the tug is strong, I did. I know there is always a gift waiting for me when I take care to do “the work.” For me this ultimately means the need to feel, heal and deal with whatever is here and not climb over it! So, I cried through getting my hair cut, before and after my radio show, at the acupuncturist, in the parking lot—and eventually realized what it was that my dream was trying to tell me. That I was sad and needed to cry. That’s all.

Some of it was old, some of it was current; bottom line, I had stuffed and been stuffing some grief and simply needed to feel it, so it waited and then spilled over ‘cause I couldn’t hold it back any more. The difference between me today and even ten years ago is; today I know that it’s okay to be sad, to feel whatever, wherever and whenever I need to. It’s part of how I love myself. Funnily enough, I didn’t apologize as much, and I didn’t tell a long story to some of the folks who saw me cry, I just said whatever made me feel more comfortable. As a result of being true to myself, I got some great hugs and much-needed Kleenex. Imagine that!!

When I got home a friend had sent me this Hopi prayer and I thought, “How Divine is that! The gifts are already beginning to pour in as I emptied out.” So I thought I would pass my story and it along, just in case you need a hug, some hope or maybe permission to have a good cry! Enjoy…

HOPI MESSAGE

“You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour
Now you must go back and tell the people that this is the Hour.

And there are things to be considered:
Where are you living?
What are you doing?
What are your relationships? Are you in right relationship?
Where is your water? Know your garden.
It is a time to speak your Truth.
Create your community. Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the leader.
This could be a good time!

There is a river flowing now very fast.
It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold on to the shore.
They will feel they are being torn apart, and they will suffer greatly.

Know the river has its destination.
The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river
See who is in there with you
And celebrate.

At this time in history we are to take nothing personally.
Least of all ourselves.
For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.

The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!
Banish the word “struggle” from your attitude and your vocabulary.
All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.

We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”

Learn to celebrate yourself with Maryanne’s video webinar series this summer, teaching you how to ask the right questions of potential dates BEFORE you agree to a relationship ~ honor yourself and what you deserve! http://bit.ly/cvsc90

One of my favorite Maryanne mantras is; you have to learn how use this (your head) before you do this (have sex) so you don’t break this (your heart)! And for many of us we can sadly add…again. Sounds simple enough, right? Yeah, well, we all know that when we get the urge to merge it can be so intoxicating that we give in to it, hoping this chemistry will magically translate into Happily Ever After.

Yes, I did say you break your own heart, ‘cause love doesn’t happen outside yourself, and while your heart may feel broken, the heart cannot break per se. Love and the heart, like everything else, is energy—in this case, when it comes to relationships, a shared field of energy. Given that energy does not break, rather it changes form, how then can we avoid this painful changing of form, perhaps, for some of you, again?

The easy answer is; you cannot, as the only thing constant in life is change. I am sure that is not the answer you were looking for. Unfortunately however, it’s as true as the fact that the sun is the sun—no matter how much you may not want it to set, that’s what it does and there is nothing to do but accept it. Unless you’re hopelessly romantic or convinced you’ll be the first person who ever lived to successfully stop it, so you’ll chase the sun trying to convince yourself it’s possible, like so may of us do with love.

As for me, I felt my heart had been slain a thousand times by men and love; my dreams had been trodden on, discarded, discounted; you name it, I felt it! I decided that I would narrow my search. Instead of the perfect relationship, I would seek the thing that would never leave me, abandon me, dispose of me, ignore me, be indifferent to me; the one something that would always be true. I would look for the highest truth of all, the real Happily Ever After, and I wouldn’t stop until I found it.

After many years of searching I did find real and true lasting love, ironically, it was in the last place I thought to look—inside of me and in my own heart. Not in someone else’s embrace or bed, not actually with anyone else at all. Looking back I would say, after all these years of becoming heart smart, discovering that the field of love I had sought for so long is inside of me continues to be one of the greatest gifts and highest truths I have ever awakened to.

Since we are love, we now set out to selectively share our lives with people who share similar values and beliefs, who agree that attracting and creating a healthy, fulfilling relationship is about more than chemistry—it’s about, soul, spirit, compatibility, and respect. So let’s together set our sights on being Heart Smart:

Five steps to being heart smart:
Develop a practice of self-inquiry: the mind is here to serve our body so we can follow our spirit.
Remember, love is a field and energy, and just because you FEEL love near or towards someone doesn’t mean they are the best choice for you.
Part of loving yourself means not compromising your safety, integrity or heart’s desires.
Understanding that sex feels good and ultimately triggers expectation and attachment, think it through before you do.
Just because you think love happens outside yourself doesn’t mean it’s true! Be a seeker of higher truth!

Maryanne will be teaching a live video webinar on how to “inner-view” potential dates or mates BEFORE you agree to a date or relationship. She’ll be featuring a very eligible bachelor and showing participants the best questions to ask and how to respond, live, on the fly, in real time! Sign up here: http://bit.ly/cvsc90

Finding out who people are: seems like it would be relatively easy, primarily given that your body registers more than 90% of all perceptible information pre-cognitively. As a human being your internal navigational system, your intuition and senses, were designed to help “know” what you need to know about anyone within seconds, literally; sometimes sooner if you are extremely sensitive and tuned-in.

Think about it: the last time you met someone, what reaction did your body have to them? Your body either opened or closed, expanded or contracted. At this point you are somatically interpreting all the bazillion bits of data, like posture, tone, smell, gait, eye movement, and so on, at light-speed and drawing critical conclusions; are they angry, aggressive, combative, kind, relaxed, tense? Basically attempting to determine if you are safe, and on how many levels; physically, emotionally, etc. In one of Ayn Rand’s books, one of the characters says; Everything you need to know about someone you will learn in the first 30 seconds of meeting them. And I would add, If you are paying attention!

Within milliseconds that data reaches the “bellyy brain” or “intuition,” (not to be confused with the “mind”) and then the next, and less accurate in some definable ways, filtering process occurs. This portion is largely habitual behavioral recognition, which means it’s a historical filter in the mind, like a database of experience that’s being flicked through at a thousand miles an hour in attempts to recognize familiar patterns (good and bad), speech patterns, common references—any and all data you have that will classify this person into some category that is understandable and recognizable. As a response, your body will expand or contract. And here’s where we get into trouble.

Depending on the various programs and beliefs that we have inherited, learned and acquired, many of our filters have become reflexive defense mechanisms which kick in, sort of like human air bags or safety barriers; he’s obviously uneducated, men who wear tennis shoes with jeans are losers, women who have chipped nail polish and swear are obviously uneducated, women with boob jobs and hair extensions are insecure, fake and high-maintenance, etc. Not that this second phase is inherently bad, but when left unexamined or cross-checked against out first true instinct, we almost always find we have set ourselves up for trouble!

Think about that for a moment. You broke up with someone and you look back and almost always say to yourself, “Gawd, and I knew this-or-that, too.” Because, well, you did! But you over-rode it! So many of us do. It’s become a cultural norm to ignore our intuition. Up until recently, even talking about intuition openly was considered esoteric! Which is sooooo bizarre, given that the body NEVER lies. Rather than blaming this on our overly patriarchal culture, I would urge you to reconsider relying on “second-hand” information. Take some time to review your own life and see how relying solely on your rational brain has not done you justice. A clue: this brain of ours is largely a pain and pleasure center, and scientists are showing now that it is not, in fact, the generator of anything, but a receptor. As ancient wisdom would have it, a wonderful servant but a terrible master. The “belly brain” i.e. the intuition, is the connection for truth and part of the bigger universal field. Sorry, brain!

So why would we do that, over-ride this perfect and flawless gift that was designed to steer us away from danger and towards our heart’s greatest desires? Oh my sweeties, this is the cry of the divine feminine, and why it is sooooo critical that we resurrect and re-awaken “her” inside each of us! Many books—in fact, volumes—have been written to explain this horrific, historical, ongoing death; but for now I will say that we have and will continue to put ourselves in harm’s way unless we learn to re-connect with our BIG brain, and re-learn to inner-view.

For now, take out a pen and paper and go ahead, see for yourself. Look back and see who’s smarter, your body or your brain? And stay tuned for Part Two next week on how to resurrect and build back that ability to be heart-smart!! Awaken our divine intuition…
Maryanne will be teaching a live video webinar on how to “inner-view” potential dates or mates BEFORE you agree to a date or relationship. She’ll be featuring a very eligible bachelor and showing participants the best questions to ask and how to respond, live, on the fly, in real time! Sign up here: http://bit.ly/cvsc90

Here are your new hypnosis downloads to try this month. Remember that self hypnosis is not that “hocus pocus” stuff from the movies. It’s a form of self meditation that has been researched, tracked, and proven to help you see the changes and results you are looking for in your life.

1. Act on your Ideas

2. Stop compulsive hand washing

3. Dealing with narcissistic behavior

4. Stay at Home Mom

5. Stop Attention Seeking

6. Drink Less Wine

Take a look at all the hypnosis downloads here: Hypnosis Download Directory to find the one that’s right for you.

You have the attachments of your life: your job, your family, your living arrangement, your town, your lifestyle.  Then there are the more internal, personal attachments: your opinions about things, your ideas about how others perceive you, your beliefs, your values.  How much would it take for you to let them go?  Try it for a moment, just watched all these pre-conceived notions fade away as you let go of your attachments to Who You Are.

This includes your attachment to your past.  Let go of your childhood stories, your ideas about whether your family was normal or not.  Let go of your academic record, what your teachers said about you, what kind of kid you think you were.  Let go of your first job, your first date, your first road trip.  Release yourself from your attachment to all these things you have used to try to define yourself.

And of course, there’s attachment to your ideas about the present.  That things are going well, or that they’ve never been worse.  That you’re a success or a failure, or that there’s even any way to measure that.  That you drive an appropriate car for someone of your income level, but you could stand to lose a few pounds.  That you hate your job.  That you want to move to a new place.  That you should start cutting down on caffeine.  Let go of your attachment to all these ideas about how things are, about how things should be.

Now look at your attachment to your personality.  The kind of friend you are, the kind of worker you are, the kind of lover you are.  The idea that you’re funny, or serious, or eccentric.  That you’re more intelligent than most people, that you have a purpose.  That you get bored easily, that you learn new things easily.  That you give good advice, that people trust you or don’t trust you.  That you’re a dog person, that you’re an introvert, that you love to go dancing.  All your attachments to these ideas… let them go.

You’re also attached to your ideas about the world around you.  That big corporations are dangerous, that your political party is better than the other one, that your religious belief is probably the right one.  That nice guys finish last, that kids aren’t getting as good an education as they did in your day, that everything is different now, or that nothing ever changes.  You’re attached to your ideas, you can admit it… and now let that attachment go.

Then there are your attachments to the future.  The idea that your soulmate is out there, or that it matters whether or not a soulmate is even a real thing.  That if you would have given in and had sex with that certain person, they might have stuck around and you might have been married by now.  That you’ll have two kids, or six kids, or adopt kids, or not have any kids.  That God will look out for you when so many others around you are suffering.  That it doesn’t matter what you do because the world will soon end from global warming or terrorism anyway.  That everything will be fine if you can just finish your degree, or get that promotion, or relocate to your dream city.  The very idea that there is a dream city, a place where everything will be better than it is where you are now.  Just let it all go, all your attachments to these ideas.

So now that you’ve let it all go, what are you left with?  Who are you underneath all the attachments?  Great – now let that go, too!  Soon you may find that letting go is the best thing you ever did… then let go of that idea, as well.

Want to learn more about what to know BEFORE you get into a relationship? Go “In the Ring With Maryanne!” In this upcoming video webinar, Maryanne will be interviewing an eligible bachelor live, on the fly, to teach you what types of questions YOU should be asking before you agree to a date or relationship. Sign up here: http://bit.ly/cvsc90

Every spring it’s the same thing – people start breaking out of their winter hibernation and getting frisky! It’s only natural that warmer weather equals less clothes and more fun.

Three tips for a safe and happy spring fling: One, make sure it’s worth it, and that there isn’t some potential side effect that will come back to bite you later. Two, pay attention now or you’ll be forced to pay later. Three, use a condom! Meanwhile, here are some answers to questions I’ve received:

Question sent in by James:

I met this girl at school and ended up falling for her. However, at the time she had a boyfriend who was moving to France. I saw her a couple of times before they officially broke up and then asked her out on a date. She said yes, then flaked on me twice (both times legitimate-ish reasons such as her grandparents’ anniversary do and something else).

We eventually went out a couple of times and texted each other a bit, then suddenly after our second date when I kissed her goodnight on the cheek she didn’t text me for over a week and just ignored my email (I tried to contact her three times). Then she started to talk again and we have seen each other about every two weeks since. I have kissed her on the cheek a couple of times and once on the lips, but that’s it.

When we are out we have such a good time and get along great, and although there is not much physical contact she flirts back. She has since then invited me to go on holiday with her and her family. I’m just not sure where I stand. Are we going out? Her old bf is in a relationship but she isn’t going out with anyone else and never talks about other guys with me. On Valentine’s Day I gave her a card and chocolates, and she gave me the same. She lets me pay for coffees and other things like that. But my question is: Who am I to her, a friend or a boyfriend?—James, UK

Well, James, cards and chocolates are okay on Valentine’s Day, but to be honest, those are the sorts of gifts kids give to each other. If your goal is to test the waters to see if things are available to move to the next level, you’re going to have to talk to her and be direct. Women like men who know what they want, and who aren’t afraid to come out and say it. If you want to know what category you’re in with her, just ask her! That’s the only sure-fire way to learn the truth, and being straightforward can certainly gain you some brownie points. If you ask her directly, you’ll know whether she’s just hanging out with you to pass the time until she finds a new boyfriend, or whether she sees you as that new boyfriend.

Question sent in by Nick:

Every time I meet someone and we wind up liking each other, it always turns out she just wants me as a friend. Even though they all tell me they would date me. Is there any way I can stop winding up the “best friend”? —Nick, US

It’s certainly frustrating when you think you’re doing everything right, but you’re just not getting the results you want. But what that tells me, Nick, is that the recipe you’re using for getting dates is actually the recipe for getting female friends. Knowing the difference can be tricky, as there’s an art to reading a woman’s body language and interactions. Because the last couple of millennia haven’t been all that safe for women, we’ve learned we don’t have the luxury of just coming out and saying what we want.

So here’s a new recipe, one that will hopefully get you a more desirable result. First of all, find the kind of girl that you want to date, and who seems to have the values, personality, and appearance you like. Secondly, and here’s the key part… ask her on a DATE. Don’t just hang out together without discussion and let things get confusing. When you use the word “date,” there’s nothing unclear about that. Girls know exactly what that word means, and if she’s interested in exploring the possibility of romance, she’ll say yes. After you’ve been on three or four dates, even the most reserved girls will probably give you a real kiss. Try it out and see what happens!

Want to learn more about what to know BEFORE you get into a relationship? Go “In the Ring With Maryanne!” In this upcoming video webinar, Maryanne will be interviewing an eligible bachelor live, on the fly, to teach you what types of questions YOU should be asking before you agree to a date or relationship. Sign up here: http://bit.ly/cvsc90

As you can probably imagine, people are always asking me for dating tips. I could go on all day, but I want to highlight some of my current favorites. People can be intimidated by dating for many reasons. Perhaps you had a bad breakup or a divorce and you’re terrified of getting your heart broken again. Maybe you have some self-confidence issues and wonder what anyone would see in you. Whatever the case, if you wouldn’t know what to say to someone you wanted to date, keep these things in mind.

*Start out by knowing what you DON’T want. Make a list of deal-breakers, things you absolutely can’t tolerate in a mate. Maybe for you it’s smoking, or drugs, or gambling. Whatever doesn’t work for you, write it down (for tips on how to do this effectively, get a copy of Hindsight, What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers.)

*Remember that you are not a product on display. Don’t turn your dating technique into a sales pitch.

*Being desperate will get you nowhere fast! Slow yourself down and thing things through before doing anything drastic. We all have times when we feel the rush of infatuation and want to jump right in, but remember a time when you did that and then regretted it soon after? If someone really is right for you, then it’s not necessary to rush things. Slow down, pause, take a breather, step back. Just because someone seems perfect right now doesn’t mean you should go off the deep end right away.

*Remember that this is not a competition! There are 1.45 million potential mates for everyone who is out there looking. So don’t use your energy for jealousy or competitive spite – there’s enough love to go around, and then some!

*Start preparing now for your new relationship by getting your mind and soul ready. This means making a daily practice of clearing out the old and being open for the new. Get rid of those old memories of a traumatic past, and clear the way for a brighter future!

*Remember that what you show people most is what they will value in you. Don’t push your sex appeal unless that’s what you want to be valued for!

*When you’re around a potential partner, as yourself how you feel. Do you like who you are around them? Do they bring out the best in you, or the worst? Do you find yourself compromising your normal behavior to try to fit in with them? There’s a fine line between fear and excitement – learn to spot the subtle differences. You want to feel invigorated and comfortable, not anxious and insecure!

*If you found someone you like, find out what they bring to the table. You know what your contributions are – what about theirs? Last thing you want is a lopsided relationship where it’s all you give and they take.

*Don’t make it more difficult than it is – let yourself be drawn toward people who think you’re easy to love! I used to worry that I needed to modify my big, sensitive nature to attract people, but it turns out that the right person, my husband, loves my big, sensitive nature!

*Find out if you and this person are on the same page BEFORE you have sex. A relationship builds up to sex, not the other way around.

*Be safe, be smart, and use common sense. You want to set yourself up to succeed!

But my number one tip, and probably the hardest one to learn and put into successful practice, is this: Great relationships begin within!®

If you want some “inner-viewing” tips, go to www.maryannelive.com and sign up for Maryanne’s new webinar series starting June 14. You can watch her doing one of the things she does best, asking the IMPORTANT questions of six live bachelors, one per week, real people, real time. You can choose to simply listen, to ask questions, or to be eligible for a date with the bachelor of your choice. Learn how and when to ask the essential questions, and build your Relationship Toolbelt so you can craft healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationships!

In Tehran, Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi spoke to a group of
worshippers. He warned them that in order to protect themselves from
natural disasters, they needed to follow a strict code of modesty,
especially modest dress.

“Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread
adultery in society which increases earthquakes,” he warned them.

For a moment, I was speechless, and wondered whether someone could really
come up with something so ridiculous. But then it occurred to me: it’s
thinking like this that has led to the prevalent view of women as the
prostitute/victim. And what powerful prostitutes, we are, too – so
powerful that men feel threatened enough to want to control our actions,
our movements, and our clothing. It’s women who cause natural disasters,
it’s women who lead men astray. of course, it’s all so clear now! Maybe
Sandra Bullock’s husband is right to blame women for his abhorrent
philandering! Wow, what a revelation. What is it going to take for us to
wake up and see this dangerous thinking for what it really is?

If I were Mother Nature, this man would have nowhere to hide. I would
rain down a plague of lightning storms, hurricanes, and tidal waves upon
him that would show exactly how I felt about false accusations and unfair
shame being cast on the beautiful creatures of my world. I would then
bring on the mother of all rain storms, washing away the hatred, the fear,
and the delusion that leads to this ridiculous behavior.

If I were the Ghost of Christmas Future, I would lead this man through his
own land, right into one of Iran’s top sperm banks and genetic engineering
facilities. He would see how the facility was run completely by women, and
how those women raised daughters who had gone on to become important world
leaders. One of the facility’s top achievements has been the altering of
the male anatomy. Now, men must earn a penis by first proving that they
are worthy of respect, and being consistently honorable in their thoughts
and actions.

If I were an analyst, I might forego office sessions and send this man
directly to a psych ward, where he could get advanced and intense help for
his delusions. I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that there was
some catastrophic event in his childhood that combined with his cultural
conditioning to create a mind that was bound to distort a repressed feeling
of helplessness into a bizarre fantasy of evil women with supernatural
powers.

If I were enlightened, I would have no room for hate in me, as the sadness
of seeing this terribly damaged man would compel me to help him. I would
embrace the emotional illness that severed his connection with the Divine,
and with reality. Then, just for good measure, I’d probably give his
spirit a wake-up call into right thinking by smashing him on the forehead
with a two-by-four, as a particular ancient monk was known to do.

If I were a man, words like these coming from another man would fill me
with embarrassment and anger, and I’d want to do something about it. I’d
want to find a way to make sure that this man would never again feel
compelled to bring unjust shame and humiliation upon womankind, which in
turn reflects upon everyone. Perhaps we could start by fitting this man
with a chador that couldn’t be removed, or maybe a chastity belt would get
the point across more clearly.

If I were an Iranian woman in Tehran, I’d be a lesbian, and choose a life
of celibacy!

Any relationship can be fabulous as long as no one ever expresses anything unpleasant!

In days gone by, I was the kind of person who would be sure to explode if someone told me to “take it easy” or “chill out.”  I would give them exactly what they were trying to avoid – a full-blown freak-out.  Over time, I came to believe that these experiences represented the “fact” that I was too larger-than-life, too much for people to handle, and maybe just too crazy.

Some of those experiences happened so long ago that it’s surprising how clearly I remember them.  I have a very vivid recollection of being in the car with my then-boyfriend.  We were sitting at a traffic light, when he suddenly turned to me and asked, “why do you have to be so dramatic about everything?”

You can imagine my response, complete with flailing arms, flared nostrils, and perhaps even some spittle flying from my side of the car to his.  He watched in terror while trying not to make any sudden moves, as I showed him exactly what happens when my (admittedly large) capacity for conveying emotion is called into question in a negative way.

Basically he was looking for someone who would say whatever they needed to say quietly and calmly, without any of the gesticulations and big gestures he had come to expect from me.  I regularly access the full range of human emotions, and I figured that he must be into it, otherwise what was he doing dating me?  He had no response to that, and I remember thinking that he couldn’t say anything because he must have known I was right.  In reality, he had probably failed to respond because he’d put up a safety shield to block me, and as such had completely tuned me out.

That relationship was a great example of how chemistry and compatibility are not the same thing.  It wasn’t that one of us was right and the other was wrong, but more a case of an analog person trying to mate with a digital person.  These two different types of people deal with emotional responses in completely different ways, so much so that it’s worth making sure you don’t confuse the two.

I am a good example of a digitally emotional personality, with a greater capacity for outward response, and a heightened interested in exploring emotional responses.  But before I came to terms with this, I used to try to force myself to be more analog, more in control of my feelings and responses, because I thought people found it more acceptable if I could be less high-maintenance, less intuitive, and less expressive.

I finally learned my lesson: there is very little mileage in trying to deny my true nature, or to try to minimize my feelings about things.  Likewise, there’s no point in trying to blame someone else if their way of dealing with emotions does not mesh with mine.  That ex-boyfriend was reserved and emotionally conservative, and there’s nothing wrong with that.  My mistake was trying to force him to love my big nature, and punish him with it when he didn’t.  We simply did not bring out the best in each other or in ourselves with that relationship, and eventually when that fundamental difference came to the surface, we called it quits.

After that, I made the choice to start attracting the kind of people who would love and appreciate me for my intense emotions, for my larger-than-life way of expressing them, and for my passion.  I wanted to meet people who weren’t intimidated by a strong personality, and who actually felt invigorated and energized by it!  When my husband arrived on the scene, it was like a match made in heaven.  You have to make yourself into a magnet for the things that will enrich and reflect who you really are.  It all starts from a place of self-acceptance and love for your highest self.  And that’s the key: Great Relationships Begin Within!

*The magnet is the second tool in my relationship tool belt. Get a copy of Hindsight: What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers! at www.maryannelive.com