Group Sex Questions: Good or Bad?

*alexis

“My neighbor’s wife wants to have sex with my wife. My wife has fantasized about having sex with her. The idea of the two of them together really turns me on. How do I get my wife to do it?”
- Tom (50, St. Paul, MN)

Consider this: if we keep our heads in the sand, wait another 20 to 30 years, and you’ll see this is in fact what we are doing: leaving our
children and the generations to come with a mess that treats stress with sex. Which means we are spiritually and morally bankrupt and have lost our way. If we weren’t, most of us we wouldn’t be worrying as much about hooking up, but instead trying to figure out how to make a difference with the time we have left.  By the way, that doesn’t include trying to get your wife to have lesbian sex with your neighbor. No, Tom, just because she can’t get pregnant doesn’t mean isn’t an ignorant waste of your time! Look, as my brother I sincerely wish you every blessing including that you embrace a path of higher consciousness, recognizing the value and divine feminine in each being.

“I met this wonderful man on a dating site and we really connected. We started going out over a month ago. For some reason, I felt really comfortable with him and revealed a lot about myself to him right away: the fact that I was raped 10 years ago, the fact that I struggle with anorexia and depression… I realize that I should not have disclosed so much so soon, but it’s too late to change that now. We even got very intimate physically very fast.

It is very hard for me to trust men, considering what I went through, but I feel so comfortable and safe with him… and I don’t want to let that go. However, two weeks ago, he called me up and said that he didn’t think we should continue dating.

We still talk but he is pulling back. I want him to call me. I am afraid to call him, as I don’t want to seem pushy and I don’t want to scare him further away. I just want him to give us a chance and see where it goes. I have explained to him that I am not asking for a commitment right now and that I am willing to take things slowly. But I can’t seem to put his mind at ease and lessen his confusion. What can I say to him? I just want him to give it a try. Is there hope for this? I am not sure what else to do. How do I convince him to take a risk and take a chance on me?”

Melissa (Santa Monica, CA)

Convincing someone to be with you seems a desperate act, never mind that you’re willing to subscribe to the notion that being with you is risky and that the outcome of the relationship would be left to chance.

Look, there’s no shame in being a work in progress; who isn’t?  There are, however, some basic ingredients that make for a great, fulfilling, sustainable relationship, none of which you have mentioned. Instead your situation is plagued with fear, anxiety, insecurity, doubt, wreckage and unemployment. I say change your focus: before you make another move take a good look at your love and flair for the dramatic. Then get a hold of your incredible, amazing self and ask it this; “Do I want to spend my life with someone who isn’t falling all over themselves to be with me or, at minimum, reciprocating my interest in kind?”

In the meantime I would like you to take some of that energy you are spending trying to get someone to love you and invest it in yourself. Start by making a list of all the things you value about yourself (if you need a jump-start ask some people you already know and love, who know and love you, perhaps a family member or relative or close personal friend). This is a powerful, juicy exercise in self-love that quickly reminds you what’s great about you, and like I always say, Great relationships begin within!

One of my favorite Maryanne mantras is; you have to learn how use this (your head) before you do this (have sex) so you don’t break this (your heart)! And for many of us we can sadly add…again. Sounds simple enough, right? Yeah, well, we all know that when we get the urge to merge it can be so intoxicating that we give in to it, hoping this chemistry will magically translate into Happily Ever After.

Yes, I did say you break your own heart, ‘cause love doesn’t happen outside yourself, and while your heart may feel broken, the heart cannot break per se. Love and the heart, like everything else, is energy—in this case, when it comes to relationships, a shared field of energy. Given that energy does not break, rather it changes form, how then can we avoid this painful changing of form, perhaps, for some of you, again?

The easy answer is; you cannot, as the only thing constant in life is change. I am sure that is not the answer you were looking for. Unfortunately however, it’s as true as the fact that the sun is the sun—no matter how much you may not want it to set, that’s what it does and there is nothing to do but accept it. Unless you’re hopelessly romantic or convinced you’ll be the first person who ever lived to successfully stop it, so you’ll chase the sun trying to convince yourself it’s possible, like so may of us do with love.

As for me, I felt my heart had been slain a thousand times by men and love; my dreams had been trodden on, discarded, discounted; you name it, I felt it! I decided that I would narrow my search. Instead of the perfect relationship, I would seek the thing that would never leave me, abandon me, dispose of me, ignore me, be indifferent to me; the one something that would always be true. I would look for the highest truth of all, the real Happily Ever After, and I wouldn’t stop until I found it.

After many years of searching I did find real and true lasting love, ironically, it was in the last place I thought to look—inside of me and in my own heart. Not in someone else’s embrace or bed, not actually with anyone else at all. Looking back I would say, after all these years of becoming heart smart, discovering that the field of love I had sought for so long is inside of me continues to be one of the greatest gifts and highest truths I have ever awakened to.

Since we are love, we now set out to selectively share our lives with people who share similar values and beliefs, who agree that attracting and creating a healthy, fulfilling relationship is about more than chemistry—it’s about, soul, spirit, compatibility, and respect. So let’s together set our sights on being Heart Smart:

Five steps to being heart smart:
Develop a practice of self-inquiry: the mind is here to serve our body so we can follow our spirit.
Remember, love is a field and energy, and just because you FEEL love near or towards someone doesn’t mean they are the best choice for you.
Part of loving yourself means not compromising your safety, integrity or heart’s desires.
Understanding that sex feels good and ultimately triggers expectation and attachment, think it through before you do.
Just because you think love happens outside yourself doesn’t mean it’s true! Be a seeker of higher truth!

Maryanne will be teaching a live video webinar on how to “inner-view” potential dates or mates BEFORE you agree to a date or relationship. She’ll be featuring a very eligible bachelor and showing participants the best questions to ask and how to respond, live, on the fly, in real time! Sign up here: http://bit.ly/cvsc90

Finding out who people are: seems like it would be relatively easy, primarily given that your body registers more than 90% of all perceptible information pre-cognitively. As a human being your internal navigational system, your intuition and senses, were designed to help “know” what you need to know about anyone within seconds, literally; sometimes sooner if you are extremely sensitive and tuned-in.

Think about it: the last time you met someone, what reaction did your body have to them? Your body either opened or closed, expanded or contracted. At this point you are somatically interpreting all the bazillion bits of data, like posture, tone, smell, gait, eye movement, and so on, at light-speed and drawing critical conclusions; are they angry, aggressive, combative, kind, relaxed, tense? Basically attempting to determine if you are safe, and on how many levels; physically, emotionally, etc. In one of Ayn Rand’s books, one of the characters says; Everything you need to know about someone you will learn in the first 30 seconds of meeting them. And I would add, If you are paying attention!

Within milliseconds that data reaches the “bellyy brain” or “intuition,” (not to be confused with the “mind”) and then the next, and less accurate in some definable ways, filtering process occurs. This portion is largely habitual behavioral recognition, which means it’s a historical filter in the mind, like a database of experience that’s being flicked through at a thousand miles an hour in attempts to recognize familiar patterns (good and bad), speech patterns, common references—any and all data you have that will classify this person into some category that is understandable and recognizable. As a response, your body will expand or contract. And here’s where we get into trouble.

Depending on the various programs and beliefs that we have inherited, learned and acquired, many of our filters have become reflexive defense mechanisms which kick in, sort of like human air bags or safety barriers; he’s obviously uneducated, men who wear tennis shoes with jeans are losers, women who have chipped nail polish and swear are obviously uneducated, women with boob jobs and hair extensions are insecure, fake and high-maintenance, etc. Not that this second phase is inherently bad, but when left unexamined or cross-checked against out first true instinct, we almost always find we have set ourselves up for trouble!

Think about that for a moment. You broke up with someone and you look back and almost always say to yourself, “Gawd, and I knew this-or-that, too.” Because, well, you did! But you over-rode it! So many of us do. It’s become a cultural norm to ignore our intuition. Up until recently, even talking about intuition openly was considered esoteric! Which is sooooo bizarre, given that the body NEVER lies. Rather than blaming this on our overly patriarchal culture, I would urge you to reconsider relying on “second-hand” information. Take some time to review your own life and see how relying solely on your rational brain has not done you justice. A clue: this brain of ours is largely a pain and pleasure center, and scientists are showing now that it is not, in fact, the generator of anything, but a receptor. As ancient wisdom would have it, a wonderful servant but a terrible master. The “belly brain” i.e. the intuition, is the connection for truth and part of the bigger universal field. Sorry, brain!

So why would we do that, over-ride this perfect and flawless gift that was designed to steer us away from danger and towards our heart’s greatest desires? Oh my sweeties, this is the cry of the divine feminine, and why it is sooooo critical that we resurrect and re-awaken “her” inside each of us! Many books—in fact, volumes—have been written to explain this horrific, historical, ongoing death; but for now I will say that we have and will continue to put ourselves in harm’s way unless we learn to re-connect with our BIG brain, and re-learn to inner-view.

For now, take out a pen and paper and go ahead, see for yourself. Look back and see who’s smarter, your body or your brain? And stay tuned for Part Two next week on how to resurrect and build back that ability to be heart-smart!! Awaken our divine intuition…
Maryanne will be teaching a live video webinar on how to “inner-view” potential dates or mates BEFORE you agree to a date or relationship. She’ll be featuring a very eligible bachelor and showing participants the best questions to ask and how to respond, live, on the fly, in real time! Sign up here: http://bit.ly/cvsc90

In Tehran, Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi spoke to a group of
worshippers. He warned them that in order to protect themselves from
natural disasters, they needed to follow a strict code of modesty,
especially modest dress.

“Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread
adultery in society which increases earthquakes,” he warned them.

For a moment, I was speechless, and wondered whether someone could really
come up with something so ridiculous. But then it occurred to me: it’s
thinking like this that has led to the prevalent view of women as the
prostitute/victim. And what powerful prostitutes, we are, too – so
powerful that men feel threatened enough to want to control our actions,
our movements, and our clothing. It’s women who cause natural disasters,
it’s women who lead men astray. of course, it’s all so clear now! Maybe
Sandra Bullock’s husband is right to blame women for his abhorrent
philandering! Wow, what a revelation. What is it going to take for us to
wake up and see this dangerous thinking for what it really is?

If I were Mother Nature, this man would have nowhere to hide. I would
rain down a plague of lightning storms, hurricanes, and tidal waves upon
him that would show exactly how I felt about false accusations and unfair
shame being cast on the beautiful creatures of my world. I would then
bring on the mother of all rain storms, washing away the hatred, the fear,
and the delusion that leads to this ridiculous behavior.

If I were the Ghost of Christmas Future, I would lead this man through his
own land, right into one of Iran’s top sperm banks and genetic engineering
facilities. He would see how the facility was run completely by women, and
how those women raised daughters who had gone on to become important world
leaders. One of the facility’s top achievements has been the altering of
the male anatomy. Now, men must earn a penis by first proving that they
are worthy of respect, and being consistently honorable in their thoughts
and actions.

If I were an analyst, I might forego office sessions and send this man
directly to a psych ward, where he could get advanced and intense help for
his delusions. I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that there was
some catastrophic event in his childhood that combined with his cultural
conditioning to create a mind that was bound to distort a repressed feeling
of helplessness into a bizarre fantasy of evil women with supernatural
powers.

If I were enlightened, I would have no room for hate in me, as the sadness
of seeing this terribly damaged man would compel me to help him. I would
embrace the emotional illness that severed his connection with the Divine,
and with reality. Then, just for good measure, I’d probably give his
spirit a wake-up call into right thinking by smashing him on the forehead
with a two-by-four, as a particular ancient monk was known to do.

If I were a man, words like these coming from another man would fill me
with embarrassment and anger, and I’d want to do something about it. I’d
want to find a way to make sure that this man would never again feel
compelled to bring unjust shame and humiliation upon womankind, which in
turn reflects upon everyone. Perhaps we could start by fitting this man
with a chador that couldn’t be removed, or maybe a chastity belt would get
the point across more clearly.

If I were an Iranian woman in Tehran, I’d be a lesbian, and choose a life
of celibacy!

Things are certainly not how they used to be, in many ways. These days, it seems almost normal to us that when a couple is going through marital problems, especially if one or both of them have some degree of celebrity, that their marital issues will be made public. In fact, you can almost bet that as soon as the news comes out that some celebrity or other has been cheating on his wife, rather than everyone looking kind of embarrassed about it, several women will come striding confidently toward the reporters, announcing that they, too, slept with the man in question (be it Tiger Woods, or Sandra Bullock’s husband, or whomever). It’s almost like some bizarre, disgusting badge of honor – that they would trade fifteen minutes of questionable notoriety in exchange for dragging a family or two through even worse pain and suffering than they were already going through.

Twenty years ago, I was in a similar position, and yet in never occurred to me to alert anyone. Dating a married man was not seen as something you would go around announcing to anyone who would listen – it was a shameful thing that you hid from people, as I did hide it even from my closest friends and family. The man I was going out with was married when we got together, and in the end that was what broke us up, ironically. The whole situation was frightening and embarrassing, and it never would have occurred to me that I could use the information about our affair to publicly humiliate him and his family further. For me, it was bad enough that I had believed his lies, that I hadn’t been smarter about my choices, and that I had convinced myself that everything was going to work out for us. To this day, even though I can say that I learned a few things from the situation, the one thing that still saddens me is that his wife had to deal with the awful grief of seeing her marriage shredded in front of her. I can’t imagine choosing to make it worse on purpose.

Yet, that’s exactly where we are today. This is the level that women will sink to now – flaunting their indiscretions as if it were something to be proud of, coming forward and telling the dirty, detailed truth to people who don’t have any business knowing that information. And why? What would prompt a woman to come forward and give all the gory details of her affair, humiliating and further destroying people who are already in a living hell?

The answer is simple. Money. This is how being a tramp has now evolved into being a prostitute. These women get paid mind-boggling sums to talk to tabloids, gossip TV shows, and even “legitimate” news outlets, about every detail of what they did with these married men. For some reason, we all think we have the right to know what goes on in a faltering marriage, and these women take advantage of that, and get a paycheck in the process. It sure beats having to get a real job, or having to find some self-esteem somewhere.

Given how hard women have had to work to gain the relatively small distance we have traveled toward freedom and equality, it’s frustrating and saddening that any woman would go so far out of her way to completely unravel all that progress. I really wish I know what would prompt them to do that, but I think one thing is for certain: self-esteem is at the heart of the issue, and that is exactly where we will have to begin to heal what is wrong in our exuberant “look at me, I’m a prostitute” culture.

To see Maryanne discussing her personal experience in this vein, view this week’s video blog visit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odk2p36PadY

Did you know that about 70% of all women experience the baby blues after childbirth?

*Jill was so excited during her pregnancy. Both she and her husband had been preparing for the birth of their baby boy for months. The delivery was fairly smooth – no complications – and family members were there to support the happy new couple. But Jill was moody. While her husband held the baby, Jill would slip away into the bathroom and cry for 15 minutes, dry her eyes, and come back out to give her husband and the baby a kiss. Jill felt like this for about two weeks, give or take a few days, and then she began to feel like herself again. Jill had the baby blues.

Did you know that about 10-20% of new moms suffer from post-partum depression?

*Pat was also excited about her new bundle of joy. She was expecting a baby girl and had been nesting for weeks! The nursery was fully stocked with all types of pink confections. Her mother was staying with her to serve as a “mother’s helper” for as long as she needed. Once Pat delivered baby Mary, she had plenty of support from her mother and husband but felt badly. Physically she was wiped out. She couldn’t sleep. Wasn’t eating well. And while she didn’t tell her family, she was constantly riddled with feelings of anxiety over the baby. Most of the thoughts had to do with “what if” she hurt the baby this way or in that way. So she just didn’t deal with the baby, but rather passed her to her mother for most of the day. This went on for well over six weeks. Pat suffered from post-partum depression.

It’s taken decades for physicians to finally recognize the baby blues and post-partum depression. It had always been dismissed as folklore, much like menstrual cramps, for years. But there is strong evidence to suggest that both occur due to hormonal changes after childbirth. The difference between the two lies in the duration and severity of symptoms.

Baby blues usually occurs right after delivery and for no longer than about two weeks. The symptoms generally do not cripple a new mother’s day to day activities. Post-partum depression presents itself much like regular clinical depression. The only difference is that post-partum depression seems to be brought on by the trigger of childbirth. Symptoms may not start right after delivery, but will last much longer than two weeks. The symptoms will also be much more severe and may render the mother incapable of having good quality of life as a new mother.

Symptoms include: loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping or staying asleep, absence of interest in her newborn and lack of interest in day-to-day routines.

Fortunately, support systems have been popping up all over to address the needs of a new mother and her family all dealing with the effects of post-partum depression. Remember it is possible for a woman to suffer from a full-blown psychotic break (Andrea Yates) if not treated seriously. Treatment may include antidepressants such as Prozac and talk therapy.

Related reading:

Beyond the Blues
by Shoshana S. Bennett, Pec Indman

Down Came The Rain
by Brooke Shields

There is a huge sexual movement going on. It’s not about gay pride. It’s not about sex among the elderly. It’s not even a hidden Viagra agenda I’m speaking of. Today, it’s all about the asexual a.k.a. the person who has no interest in having sex. Does this sound like you?

Case Study
*Monica is 24-year-old woman who lives a healthy and vibrant life. She has a satisfying job as a registered nurse, loves to swim, and is in a new 8-month relationship.

What’s unique about her relationship is that neither she or her boyfriend are interested in having sex with each other or anyone else for that matter. They are what they describe as “asexuals”, and where many physicians and psychologists would call this a problem that needs to be addressed – Monica and her boyfriend feel it is a just a part of who they are and there is nothing wrong with it.

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with us. Me and *Jim have just never experienced sexual attraction. It’s not like I’m a woman who use to enjoy sex and now I don’t. That could very well be hormonal. In my case, I have never had a sexual attraction for anyone – male or female. I enjoy snuggling with my boyfriend, going out with him, and all the other non-sexual things couples do.”

Coming Out
Interestingly enough, it seems as if Monica and her boyfriend are not alone. What was once something that many people kept to themselves is now coming out of the closet and members are happy to finally be able to find each other and to define themselves as asexual. Asexuality is emerging as a new sexual orientation.

“I’m kind of glad there is a name for this. I didn’t feel broken, just different, and I didn’t know what to call it. Now slowly but surely I’m finding others who are just like me. Like this guy who started this website – http://www.asexuality.org/home/ – for people like us.”

The Growing Debate
Of course there is growing debate in the mental health and medical community about the term asexual. Some professionals believe that people who do not care about sex at all are either experiencing a physical, emotional, or hormonal problem. There are many who define humans as “sexual beings” who should normally desire a sexual relationship with their partners.

Positive Proof?
People who are asexual feel that this is incorrect, and that is just the effort of medical professionals to tell them what is wrong with them in order to fix them. Or it is just out of ignorance that many professionals don’t know about this community of people. But slowly things are beginning to change. Concrete research is something most professionals will accept as proof of recognition.

In a study conducted last year (2004) by Anthony Bogaert, a psychologist and human sexuality expert at Brock University in St. Catherines, Ontario– results concluded that 1 in 100 adults were asexual. That can be defined as 1% of the population which is not too far behind the 3% of the population who are gay.

Celibate or Asexual?
People who are asexual want it to be known that there is a concrete difference between celibacy and asexuality. Someone who is celibate is someone who has chosen to abstain from sex – Asexuals have not made that choice. Just as the heterosexual didn’t choose to be attracted to the opposite sex or the homosexual didn’t choose to be attracted to the same gender – neither has the asexual made a choice – it’s just the way they have always been.

Is this a new thing?
The only thing new about asexuality is the fact is that there is finally some scholarly study and research beginning on the topic and therefore it is receiving more media and therefore public attention.

“There is quite a bit of circumstantial proof that people who have lived decades, even centuries, ago were asexual. This is nothing new – its just getting its fair share of publicity – finally!”

Learn more about asexuality: http://www.asexuality.org/home/

Find an asexual support group in your area: http://asexuality.meetup.com/
The next United Asexuality Meetup Day is on September 3rd.

Famous asexuals:
Sir Issac Newton: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isaac_Newton
H.P. Lovecraft: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H.P._Lovecraft

Would you like to talk about your asexuality? Talk to an advice expert

Lisa Angelettie, M.S.W., is a psychotherapist, author, and life coach. She has been helping people make smarter life choices since 1998. Get more free tips like this when you subscribe to the GirlShrink newsletter .

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“Maintain The Sexy!” -P. Diddy

There is a reason why newlyweds choose fabulous locations for their honeymoons — the result is some of the most fabulous and sensual sex in their lives. Want the same experience minus the wedding? Pack your bags and take your lover to one of the 3 sexiest spots on earth!

PHI PHI ISLAND – THAILAND
Known as one of the most beautiful places on earth, Phi Phi Island Village, Beach Resort and Spa, Krabi is a dramatic tropical paradise of Thai thatched roofs, palm trees, and private beaches. Couples will share a Thai-style bungalow which is nestled among unspoiled exotic gardens with sea views, but also comes with all the modern amenities of home.

AMANOKA – JAMAICA
Maybe you’ve been to a nice little all-inclusive in Jamaica and threw back a few yummy rum runner drinks, but get seriously sexually inspired when you vacation at Amanoka– a magnificent new 6 bedroom villa on Discovery Bay. Gazebos with swings, massages, white beaches, and turquoise water are all ingredients for a successful seduction at this hot spot.

NECKER ISLAND — BRITISH VIRGIN ISLANDS
Craving paradise and a private staff that caters to you? British entrepreneur Richard Branson, owner of Virgin Atlantic Airways, owns and built a 10 bedroom Balinese villa on the magnificent and unspoiled Necker Island. Originally planned for his personal use, Branson decided to make the villa available to rent, and thankfully so, because it is the ultimate in sensual beauty and privacy for couples.

Most of my clients, including celebrities, love the private, relaxing and sensual beauty of these locations. It’s a trip of a lifetime, according to Tracy De Francis, President of The Velvet Road Travel & Entertainment Services Agency.

For more information contact: Tracy@velvetroad.com or Steve@velvetroad.com

Lisa Angelettie, M.S.W., is a psychotherapist, author, and life coach. She has been helping people make smarter life choices since 1998. Get more free tips like this when you subscribe to the GirlShrink newsletter .

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TANTRIC SEX 101

Define it please.
The word tantra is a Sanskrit word meaning “woven together”. Tantric Sex is a Hindu practice and sexual ritual that mixes meditation and non-orgasmic sex to attain a state of perfect bliss. Sounds deep right?

Well yes, but what is tantric sex really? Simply stated, it is the opposite of a “quickie”. There is no race to get to the orgasm finish line. There is no more obsessing about when you will finally reach climax. Whew!

The goal of practicing tantric sex is to develop ways of delaying orgasm and manipulating the ability to control climax. Practitioners claim the key to successfully delaying orgasm is by having slow sex with your partner, controlling your breathing, and keeping mentally focused.

What do I get out of it?
Practitioners believe that tantric sex can significantly improve physical health, sexual passion, partner communication and feelings of inner peace and harmony. Couples may at the very least find it a refreshing change from their normal sex routine.

So how do we learn what to do?
Learning correct tantra techniques is crucial for a positive experience. Couples can learn tantric sex techniques in a variety of ways and settings. The most popular include tantric workshops, private tantric couple sessions, tantra vacations, and books & videos on tantric sex technique.

More information please: Read more about tantric sex in: The Complete Idiots Guide to Tantric Sex by Dr. Judy Kuriansky

Try a tantric workshop or contact a teacher at: http://www.tantra.com or http://www.ecstaticliving.com

For the ultimate experience, build tantra skills while on a tropical vacation.
For more info: http://www.ecstaticliving.com/TantraVacations.htm

Lisa Angelettie, M.S.W., is a psychotherapist, author, and life coach. She has been helping people make smarter life choices since 1998. Get more free tips like this when you subscribe to the GirlShrink newsletter .

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Guest Author: Sam Vaknin

“One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman.”

Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex (1949)

In nature, male and female are distinct. She-elephants are gregarious, he-elephants solitary. Male zebra finches are loquacious – the females mute. Female green spoon worms are 200,000 times larger than their male mates. These striking differences are biological – yet they lead to differentiation in social roles and skill acquisition.

Alan Pease, author of a book titled “Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps”, believes that women are spatially-challenged compared to men. The British firm, Admiral Insurance, conducted a study of half a million claims. They found that “women were almost twice as likely as men to have a collision in a car park, 23 percent more likely to hit a stationary car, and 15 percent more likely to reverse into another vehicle” (Reuters).

Yet gender “differences” are often the outcomes of bad scholarship. Consider Admiral insurance’s data. As Britain’s Automobile Association (AA) correctly pointed out – women drivers tend to make more short journeys around towns and shopping centers and these involve frequent parking. Hence their ubiquity in certain kinds of claims. Regarding women’s alleged spatial deficiency, in Britain, girls have been outperforming boys in scholastic aptitude tests – including geometry and maths – since 1988.

In an Op-Ed published by the New York Times on January 23, 2005, Olivia Judson cited this example:

“Beliefs that men are intrinsically better at this or that have repeatedly led to discrimination and prejudice, and then they’ve been proved to be nonsense. Women were thought not to be world-class musicians. But when American symphony orchestras introduced blind auditions in the 1970′s – the musician plays behind a screen so that his or her gender is invisible to those listening – the number of women offered jobs in professional orchestras increased. Similarly, in science, studies of the ways that grant applications are evaluated have shown that women are more likely to get financing when those reading the applications do not know the sex of the applicant.”

On the other wing of the divide, Anthony Clare, a British psychiatrist and author of “On Men” wrote:

“At the beginning of the 21st century it is difficult to avoid the conclusion that men are in serious trouble. Throughout the world, developed and developing, antisocial behavior is essentially male. Violence, sexual abuse of children, illicit drug use, alcohol misuse, gambling, all are overwhelmingly male activities. The courts and prisons bulge with men. When it comes to aggression, delinquent behavior, risk taking and social mayhem, men win gold.”

Men also mature later, die earlier, are more susceptible to infections and most types of cancer, are more likely to be dyslexic, to suffer from a host of mental health disorders, such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and to commit suicide.

In her book, “Stiffed: The Betrayal of the American Man”, Susan Faludi describes a crisis of masculinity following the breakdown of manhood models and work and family structures in the last five decades. In the film “Boys Don’t Cry”, a teenage girl binds her breasts and acts the male in a caricatural relish of stereotypes of virility. Being a man is merely a state of mind, the movie implies.

But what does it really mean to be a “male” or a “female”?

Are gender identity and sexual preferences genetically determined? Can they be reduced to one’s sex? Or are they amalgams of biological, social, and psychological factors in constant interaction? Are they immutable lifelong features or dynamically evolving frames of self-reference?

In the aforementioned New York Times Op-Ed, Olivia Judson opines:

“Many sex differences are not, therefore, the result of his having one gene while she has another. Rather, they are attributable to the way particular genes behave when they find themselves in him instead of her. The magnificent difference between male and female green spoon worms, for example, has nothing to do with their having different genes: each green spoon worm larva could go either way. Which sex it becomes depends on whether it meets a female during its first three weeks of life. If it meets a female, it becomes male and prepares to regurgitate; if it doesn’t, it becomes female and settles into a crack on the sea floor.”

Yet, certain traits attributed to one’s sex are surely better accounted for by the demands of one’s environment, by cultural factors, the process of socialization, gender roles, and what George Devereux called “ethnopsychiatry” in “Basic Problems of Ethnopsychiatry” (University of Chicago Press, 1980). He suggested to divide the unconscious into the id (the part that was always instinctual and unconscious) and the “ethnic unconscious” (repressed material that was once conscious). The latter is mostly molded by prevailing cultural mores and includes all our defense mechanisms and most of the superego.

So, how can we tell whether our sexual role is mostly in our blood or in our brains?

The scrutiny of borderline cases of human sexuality – notably the transgendered or intersexed – can yield clues as to the distribution and relative weights of biological, social, and psychological determinants of gender identity formation.

The results of a study conducted by Uwe Hartmann, Hinnerk Becker, and Claudia Rueffer-Hesse in 1997 and titled “Self and Gender: Narcissistic Pathology and Personality Factors in Gender Dysphoric Patients”, published in the “International Journal of Transgenderism”, “indicate significant psychopathological aspects and narcissistic dysregulation in a substantial proportion of patients.” Are these “psychopathological aspects” merely reactions to underlying physiological realities and changes? Could social ostracism and labeling have induced them in the “patients”?

The authors conclude:

“The cumulative evidence of our study … is consistent with the view that gender dysphoria is a disorder of the sense of self as has been proposed by Beitel (1985) or Pfäfflin (1993). The central problem in our patients is about identity and the self in general and the transsexual wish seems to be an attempt at reassuring and stabilizing the self-coherence which in turn can lead to a further destabilization if the self is already too fragile. In this view the body is instrumentalized to create a sense of identity and the splitting symbolized in the hiatus between the rejected body-self and other parts of the self is more between good and bad objects than between masculine and feminine.”

Freud, Kraft-Ebbing, and Fliess suggested that we are all bisexual to a certain degree. As early as 1910, Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld argued, in Berlin, that absolute genders are “abstractions, invented extremes”. The consensus today is that one’s sexuality is, mostly, a psychological construct which reflects gender role orientation.

Joanne Meyerowitz, a professor of history at Indiana University and the editor of The Journal of American History observes, in her recently published tome, “How Sex Changed: A History of Transsexuality in the United States”, that the very meaning of masculinity and femininity is in constant flux.

Transgender activists, says Meyerowitz, insist that gender and sexuality represent “distinct analytical categories”. The New York Times wrote in its review of the book: “Some male-to-female transsexuals have sex with men and call themselves homosexuals. Some female-to-male transsexuals have sex with women and call themselves lesbians. Some transsexuals call themselves asexual.”

So, it is all in the mind, you see.

This would be taking it too far. A large body of scientific evidence points to the genetic and biological underpinnings of sexual behavior and preferences.

The German science magazine, “Geo”, reported recently that the males of the fruit fly “drosophila melanogaster” switched from heterosexuality to homosexuality as the temperature in the lab was increased from 19 to 30 degrees Celsius. They reverted to chasing females as it was lowered.

The brain structures of homosexual sheep are different to those of straight sheep, a study conducted recently by the Oregon Health & Science University and the U.S. Department of Agriculture Sheep Experiment Station in Dubois, Idaho, revealed. Similar differences were found between gay men and straight ones in 1995 in Holland and elsewhere. The preoptic area of the hypothalamus was larger in heterosexual men than in both homosexual men and straight women.

According an article, titled “When Sexual Development Goes Awry”, by Suzanne Miller, published in the September 2000 issue of the “World and I”, various medical conditions give rise to sexual ambiguity. Congenital adrenal hyperplasia (CAH), involving excessive androgen production by the adrenal cortex, results in mixed genitalia. A person with the complete androgen insensitivity syndrome (AIS) has a vagina, external female genitalia and functioning, androgen-producing, testes – but no uterus or fallopian tubes.

People with the rare 5-alpha reductase deficiency syndrome are born with ambiguous genitalia. They appear at first to be girls. At puberty, such a person develops testicles and his clitoris swells and becomes a penis. Hermaphrodites possess both ovaries and testicles (both, in most cases, rather undeveloped). Sometimes the ovaries and testicles are combined into a chimera called ovotestis.

Most of these individuals have the chromosomal composition of a woman together with traces of the Y, male, chromosome. All hermaphrodites have a sizable penis, though rarely generate sperm. Some hermaphrodites develop breasts during puberty and menstruate. Very few even get pregnant and give birth.

Anne Fausto-Sterling, a developmental geneticist, professor of medical science at Brown University, and author of “Sexing the Body”, postulated, in 1993, a continuum of 5 sexes to supplant the current dimorphism: males, merms (male pseudohermaphrodites), herms (true hermaphrodites), ferms (female pseudohermaphrodites), and females.

Intersexuality (hermpahroditism) is a natural human state. We are all conceived with the potential to develop into either sex. The embryonic developmental default is female. A series of triggers during the first weeks of pregnancy places the fetus on the path to maleness.

In rare cases, some women have a male’s genetic makeup (XY chromosomes) and vice versa. But, in the vast majority of cases, one of the sexes is clearly selected. Relics of the stifled sex remain, though. Women have the clitoris as a kind of symbolic penis. Men have breasts (mammary glands) and nipples.

The Encyclopedia Britannica 2003 edition describes the formation of ovaries and testes thus:

“In the young embryo a pair of gonads develop that are indifferent or neutral, showing no indication whether they are destined to develop into testes or ovaries. There are also two different duct systems, one of which can develop into the female system of oviducts and related apparatus and the other into the male sperm duct system. As development of the embryo proceeds, either the male or the female reproductive tissue differentiates in the originally neutral gonad of the mammal.”

Yet, sexual preferences, genitalia and even secondary sex characteristics, such as facial and pubic hair are first order phenomena. Can genetics and biology account for male and female behavior patterns and social interactions (“gender identity”)? Can the multi-tiered complexity and richness of human masculinity and femininity arise from simpler, deterministic, building blocks?

Sociobiologists would have us think so.

For instance: the fact that we are mammals is astonishingly often overlooked. Most mammalian families are composed of mother and offspring. Males are peripatetic absentees. Arguably, high rates of divorce and birth out of wedlock coupled with rising promiscuity merely reinstate this natural “default mode”, observes Lionel Tiger, a professor of anthropology at Rutgers University in New Jersey. That three quarters of all divorces are initiated by women tends to support this view.

Furthermore, gender identity is determined during gestation, claim some scholars.

Milton Diamond of the University of Hawaii and Dr. Keith Sigmundson, a practicing psychiatrist, studied the much-celebrated John/Joan case. An accidentally castrated normal male was surgically modified to look female, and raised as a girl but to no avail. He reverted to being a male at puberty.

His gender identity seems to have been inborn (assuming he was not subjected to conflicting cues from his human environment). The case is extensively described in John Colapinto’s tome “As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Girl”.

HealthScoutNews cited a study published in the November 2002 issue of “Child Development”. The researchers, from City University of London, found that the level of maternal testosterone during pregnancy affects the behavior of neonatal girls and renders it more masculine. “High testosterone” girls “enjoy activities typically considered male behavior, like playing with trucks or guns”. Boys’ behavior remains unaltered, according to the study.

Yet, other scholars, like John Money, insist that newborns are a “blank slate” as far as their gender identity is concerned. This is also the prevailing view. Gender and sex-role identities, we are taught, are fully formed in a process of socialization which ends by the third year of life. The Encyclopedia Britannica 2003 edition sums it up thus:

“Like an individual’s concept of his or her sex role, gender identity develops by means of parental example, social reinforcement, and language. Parents teach sex-appropriate behavior to their children from an early age, and this behavior is reinforced as the child grows older and enters a wider social world. As the child acquires language, he also learns very early the distinction between “he” and “she” and understands which pertains to him- or herself.”

So, which is it – nature or nurture? There is no disputing the fact that our sexual physiology and, in all probability, our sexual preferences are determined in the womb. Men and women are different – physiologically and, as a result, also psychologically.

Society, through its agents – foremost amongst which are family, peers, and teachers – represses or encourages these genetic propensities. It does so by propagating “gender roles” – gender-specific lists of alleged traits, permissible behavior patterns, and prescriptive morals and norms. Our “gender identity” or “sex role” is shorthand for the way we make use of our natural genotypic-phenotypic endowments in conformity with social-cultural “gender roles”.

Inevitably as the composition and bias of these lists change, so does the meaning of being “male” or “female”. Gender roles are constantly redefined by tectonic shifts in the definition and functioning of basic social units, such as the nuclear family and the workplace. The cross-fertilization of gender-related cultural memes renders “masculinity” and “femininity” fluid concepts.

One’s sex equals one’s bodily equipment, an objective, finite, and, usually, immutable inventory. But our endowments can be put to many uses, in different cognitive and affective contexts, and subject to varying exegetic frameworks. As opposed to “sex” – “gender” is, therefore, a socio-cultural narrative. Both heterosexual and homosexual men ejaculate. Both straight and lesbian women climax. What distinguishes them from each other are subjective introjects of socio-cultural conventions, not objective, immutable “facts”.

In “The New Gender Wars”, published in the November/December 2000 issue of “Psychology Today”, Sarah Blustain sums up the “bio-social” model proposed by Mice Eagly, a professor of psychology at Northwestern University and a former student of his, Wendy Wood, now a professor at the Texas A&M University:

“Like (the evolutionary psychologists), Eagly and Wood reject social constructionist notions that all gender differences are created by culture. But to the question of where they come from, they answer differently: not our genes but our roles in society. This narrative focuses on how societies respond to the basic biological differences – men’s strength and women’s reproductive capabilities – and how they encourage men and women to follow certain patterns.

‘If you’re spending a lot of time nursing your kid’, explains Wood, ‘then you don’t have the opportunity to devote large amounts of time to developing specialized skills and engaging tasks outside of the home’. And, adds Eagly, ‘if women are charged with caring for infants, what happens is that women are more nurturing. Societies have to make the adult system work [so] socialization of girls is arranged to give them experience in nurturing’.

According to this interpretation, as the environment changes, so will the range and texture of gender differences. At a time in Western countries when female reproduction is extremely low, nursing is totally optional, childcare alternatives are many, and mechanization lessens the importance of male size and strength, women are no longer restricted as much by their smaller size and by child-bearing. That means, argue Eagly and Wood, that role structures for men and women will change and, not surprisingly, the way we socialize people in these new roles will change too. (Indeed, says Wood, ‘sex differences seem to be reduced in societies where men and women have similar status,’ she says. If you’re looking to live in more gender-neutral environment, try Scandinavia.)”

Biography: Sam Vaknin http://samvak.tripod.com is the author of Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain – How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Central Europe Review, Global Politician, PopMatters, and eBookWeb , and Bellaonline, and as a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent. He is the the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Lisa Angelettie, M.S.W., is a psychotherapist, author, and life coach. She has been helping people make smarter life choices since 1998. Get more free tips like this when you subscribe to the GirlShrink newsletter .

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