Ask GirlShrink Archives

GirlShrink,
I am in my 30s. I have no career. I have no man. I have no children. I have no sanity! My life is a mess. I don’t know where to begin.

Dear Friend,
That’s a lot! So where do you begin? I suggest you begin with your career. Money doesn’t solve everybody’s problems, but it sure can help. And making money at something you like to do is just all the more fabulous. Find yourself. Write a list of your strengths and weaknesses. Your skills vs. What you need to learn or brush up on. Your interests vs. What completely does not float your boat. And in an hour you should have a rough map to your hidden treasure– your passion! Follow that first and men will instantly find you attractive.

GirlShrink,
I met my recent ex-boyfriend in August of last year, after two months we got engaged. I’m 20 and he is 21. I was so happy and really felt that he was the one. Then I started a new job and met another guy, the feelings I had for him made me realize that I wasn’t in love with my ex after all–so I finished it. Now a few days later, I would like to start seeing this other guy but I feel it may be too soon for my ex and my family. Help!!!!

Dear Friend,
Perhaps you feel it may be too soon for you to see this new guy? And this concern for your ex’s feelings? What about how he felt when you broke off your engagement? Let’s be honest here. You are young. You are going to make some poor choices. But be real about them when they happen. You probably broke your ex’s heart, but in the long run you’ve saved him from a lifetime of pain. You may feel some guilt about that, and wonder what everyone will say or think. You made your choices. Live with them. If you really like this guy, then treat him with respect. Everyone else will have to get on board or off the bus!

GirlShrink,
I don’t know what to do about dating. There are about 3 or 4 guys that I can date right now. How do you go about picking the right one and not letting them all down. And will they feel bad that I am dating others? I really want to go out w/ all of them. How do u do that w/o hurting them??? I’m so confused on how to do the multiple guys dating thing. Help me pleaz!
-overloaded

Dear Friend,
Oh, to have your problems! It sounds as if these guys know each other, because the only way they would know if you are dating the others is if you all know each other? Small town? Well, it doesn’t matter because making choices is a part of life. And you may make the wrong one, but you have to make them. Or you will never make choices at all in fear of making the wrong ones. Listen, I’ve been there when you meet a new group of people and there are a couple of guys who are attractive etc. and seem to be interested in you as well. Fresh meat:) But you will have to wait it out and get to know more about each one. Then make a decision. And live with whatever you decide! Good luck.

Dear GirlShrink,
This may be something you hear asked all the time. I recently went out to dinner with a wonderful man I met at a bar, very different then I am usually go out with. We hit it off very well and had a great evening. I called to thank him a day later(got his voicemail), but haven’t heard back from him. I don’t want to lose this one, but I don’t want to be too aggressive and scare him off. Should I call him again or wait for him to return my call?

Dear Friend,
I think you know the answer to this. You need to wait. While some men would find it flattering, for the most part men are socialized to be the hunters. And you’re not sure which one you’ve got right now. So, to be safe..let him do the hunting. Even if he didn’t get your message, he should be calling you soon.

Dear GirlShrink,
I have been with my husband for about 10 years now. We have 2 children together and we have some huge problems. First off about 1 year ago we had got into a argument about something small and petty, which turned out to him beating me with my son’s fishing pole while I was hiding in the bedroom closet. I left him then and for some reason I decided I would go back. Everything was fine until July 4 of this year when he punched me in the right side of my head damaging my ears for about 1 month. I moved out again and went to my mother’s house. I have not moved in with him again, but I just can’t stay away from him. My mother rents a house off his grandfather, and his mother lives in the same driveway but in the back field. I keep going to his house because I just can’t say no to him. Why? Yesterday we got into a argument because I didn’t want to have sex with him. He ended up kicking the bathroom door in, breaking my lamp that his mother gave to me, getting out his gun and firing it in the air, and he threw 3 pretty good size rocks at my windshield and busting it. He thinks that if he say sorry that everything is ok. Both of our children were present at the time of this and were crying. I need someone to talk to and help me learn to say no and stay away from him. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Friend,
I don’t have to tell you how serious this situation is. At the very least, you (and him) are creating a terrible dynamic for your children. I guarantee they do not feel safe in your home. The worst case scenario (and common one) is that the violence will escalate until you are dead. There is nothing to be gained by staying in this relationship. Your husband has major issues that he needs to address – and there is nothing you can do to help him right now. Right now it is your responsibility to help yourself and your children. Do you have a support system? Turn to them. If everyone is too intertwined with each other, then pick up yourself and your kids and go somewhere else and create a new support system. There are people willing to help you. Go to: www.ndvh.org for more specific help.

Dear GirlShrink,
My boyfriend of 5 months and I are having a problem. We love being together and feel we are perfect for each other. He does not want to break up, but for some reason, which he says he can’t figure out, he says he has to think of other situations with other girls in order to have sex with me. I asked if he wants to break up and try to be with other people but he feels that it is not a good reason to break up and wants to try to fix the problem and get past it. I am fine with it but not sure of if or how he can “fix” it. I can’t see myself with anyone else and he says he only wants to be with me. Am I wasting my time? Is there any thing I can do to help him? We moved a bit fast and he thinks maybe there is something we missed in sleeping together too soon, if that is the case I don’t know how to fix that.

Dear Friend,
I think it’s quite passive-aggressive of your boyfriend to tell you that he thinks of other girls when you two have sex. Why would he tell you that? He is angry about something. Perhaps he is angry at himself because he thinks of these other girls, and he needs to blame you. Of course there are many people who fantasize about other people or scenarios when having sex, but its not the most desirable situation to be in or to know about. If you choose to break up with him, it should be on the basis that he is unable to communicate something to you about the relationship or about the sex that he is unhappy with.

Girlshrink,
I have a boyfriend, and we’ve been going out for two months. We don’t really have anything in common, and the only reason I started dating him in the first place is because I go to a small school, and there wasn’t really that much to pick from. Anyway, I have a really good time when I’m with him, but when we’re apart, I think about how wrong the relationship is. I’m not attracted to him in the way I should be. But he tells me all the time how beautiful I am, and how much he loves me, and it makes me melt. I don’t know if I have the heart to break up with him. I want to date other people, but I don’t know if I can bring myself to break up with him. I know it would crush him. He has no idea that I feel this way. What should I do?

Dear Friend,
Oh the more things change, the more things stay the same. I have heard this story many, many times. And the truth is that on some level it is perfectly understandable if you have a small pool to draw a suitable guy from– that you do just that. But often they are not the right guy for you. I’m afraid that your boyfriend will get hurt whether you tell him now or later, and if you wait until later you may cause some real damage. He may end up hating you and the next two girls he dates after you. You don’t want that karma do you? End it swiftly but sweetly.

GirlShrink,
After 2 years of friendship, I started dating a guy I really, really like. However, after our first sexual encounter, I contracted herpes from him. I was / am on the pill, he wore / wears condoms. I noticed nothing strange on his body. I can honestly say, we did everything right. We got through it, physically and emotionally, and after much discussion with each other and our doctors, I realize he did not give me an std conciously. My question is, can / should the relationship survive? We are both at a time and place in our life where we are looking to settle down and get serious. However, part of me can’t seem to get over the fact that this virus will be with me forever and he’s the one who gave it to me. What do you think?

Dear Friend,
You are in a difficult situation, because sometimes it is harder to get past things that will always be there as a reminder such as a child out of wedlock or in your case an std. My first question is, did he know he had it? No matter what types of precautions he took-did he know? And secondly, are you the type of woman to throw things back in people’s faces? If so, you could be mentioning this whenever you have outbreaks. Lastly, if you love him it may be worth the effort to get past this issue. After all, herpes is quite common and once you get past what you think having it means…you’ll see that it will simply end up being more of a nuisance than anything else.

GirlShrink,
I have met a guy that I thought I might like to have a long-term relationship with. I am 43 and a single mom for 14 years and haven’t been in a relationship now for 3 years. We have been talking quite a bit on the phone, and we have been out together 3 times. But the first time I was invited over to his house to watch movies, I was startled at how messy this guy’s house was. You couldn’t find a place on the kitchen table to put a plate on-if you wanted to. It was that cluttered. I couldn’t tell you the last time he swept or mopped. My question is how do you over look something like that? It really turned me off to see such a mess. I would appreciate some advice on what to do.

Dear Friend,
Oh boy! A mess like you are describing can usually mean that other things in his life are messy and chaotic. His finances. His career. His family life. And if it happens to get serious, I wouldn’t bet on the fact that he miraculously will start cleaning up for you. He may even look to you for help in that department. Of course, I wouldn’t let a little dirt come between me and a possible love match. I say– tell him the next time he invites you over to make sure he cleans up first, otherwise he needs to take you out.

GirlShrink,
MY BOYFRIEND HAS A BABY FROM AN EARLIER RELATIONSHIP AND THE MOTHER IS A PSYCHOPATH! HELP?

Dear Friend,
Blood is thicker than water and that baby is going no where! You may want to re-evaluate how important this relationship is to you because you will have to deal on some level with his child and the child’s mother. Bottom line – if you really care about loving a man with character you would want him to have a healthy relationship with his child – and that includes the child’s mother.

GirlShrink,
I ADORE MY MOTHER – BUT SHE DOESN’T LIKE MY HUSBAND AND THE TENSION IS THICK EVERYTIME WE’RE TOGETHER. SHOULD I BE MAD THAT SHE’S CAUSING THIS RIFF?

Dear Friend,
First you mention some tension in the room and then you mention your mother causing a riff. Those are two very different things. Is she causing a riff between you and her or you and your husband or just everyone in the family? Whatever the case may be, you need to confront your mother honestly about what you are seeing and feeling between the two of you and see if she is willing to work on her attitude. Bottom line – you took vows and you should honor them. Your mother is going to have to accept that and hopefully support you, or you may have to consider limiting your contact with her if her behavior is too disruptive.

GirlShrink,
I LOVE SEX! BUT I STILL HAVE SOME MORAL HANG-UPS ABOUT IT AND SO I DON’T PERFORM 100%. WHAT CAN I DO?

Dear friend,
Many of us were raised with mixed messages about sex such as not to have it until marriage, withhold it to get what you want, and then perform like a professional once you’re married! Its crazy but very common. The first thing you have to accept is that sex is a totally healthy and rewarding act – and not just in the missionary position! Bottom line – have some really great foreplay with guys you are getting to know and when you think you’ve found Mr. right – perhaps you can go all out!

GirlShrink,
MY FIANCE IS A GREAT AND LOVING PERSON BUT HE’S UNATTRACTIVE. I CAN’T GET PAST IT.

Dear friend,
You obviously were able to get past some of the “ugly” when you accepted his proposal. Why are you being so shallow now? I wonder if you really fell in love with him for all the right reasons and now that he wants to scream it to the world by making an honest woman out of you – you’re chickening out for all the wrong reasons. Bottom line – Content and character are so much more important in life then what the person looks like. Looks do not last forever or for even ten years for that matter! But if you are not attracted to him at all – then you need to end it.

GirlShrink,
I LIKE THIS GUY I’M SEEING A LOT, SO I WAITED TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM. THE SEX WAS AWFUL. NOW WHAT?

Dear friend,
Oh boy, there’s always something! But let me tell you, sex can always be improved if both parties are willing. You have to be assertive. Just tell him one or two things that you would like to see happen or not happen the next time and take it from there. Bottom line – don’t count him out yet. This relationship may take a little more work than you are use to, but it may be worth it in the long run.

GirlShrink,
I am really confused about this subject…are you supposed to shave/wax (remove) all of your pubic hair? Do men expect you to? If you don’t will they think you’re weird and disgusting?

Dear Friend,
If you lived in Brazil, I would say that perhaps you would be “expected” to shave completely – but if you live in America I suggest you do only what you are comfortable with. And what you feel is clean, appropriate, and appealing to you. Will men find you disgusting? I doubt it. Although its popular in some bikini-wear climates (Southern California or Miami), it still isn’t a widely accepted grooming norm among most American women.

GirlShrink,
My boyfriend wants me to me move across the country to be with him while he is working on his documentary. (He aspires to be a filmaker). I feel if he is asking me, then he needs me, but I have a job that I really like. Friends I cherish. I’m not sure what to do.

Dear Friend,
You don’t know what to do? I think you do. If you haven’t packed your bags yet, you don’t want to go. You are looking for someone to convince you that going is the right decision, but no one can do that for you. I always suggest to initially go with a gut instinct and analyze later. Your gut is telling you that you already have a lot invested right where you are and you just aren’t sure whether he is worth it to give that all up. When you wake up one day and decide that he is, your bags will be waiting!