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Ask GirlShrink Relationship Advice Column

Written By Lisa Angelettie

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Dear GirlShrink,
I have been in this “sort of” relationship for about 18 months with a man I adore. While not a perfect man, he is perfect for me. He still says he wants to keep things “without a title” because he doesn’t want to hurt or disappoint me. He says that he is only seeing and sleeping with me. What else do I need to do? Why won’t this man love me? Why doesn’t he want me?
-R.T.

Dear R.T.,
It sounds as if you are with someone who is being as honest and open as he can about his feelings for you and your relationship. He enjoys being with you, but isn’t ready for the commitment of what being in a relationship means (at least to him). Many men have a fear of feeling trapped in a bad or a wrong relationship, and 18 months is not enough time for him to be absolutely sure that this wouldn’t be the case. I know — you can never be sure. But instead of listening to your own logic…listen to what your friend is saying. He isn’t ready and he doesn’t want to hurt you by lying and saying that he is. It’s not about you. It’s about him. And if that doesn’t work for you, then you know what you have to do:)

Dear GirlShrink,
My boyfriend told me around last year summertime that I needed to lose weight if I wanted to wear my favorite bikini. Now I don’t even want to undress in front of him. I feel judged and rejected. What should I do?
-Bikini Girl

Dear Bikini Girl,
The reason why you feel judged is because…you were. The real issue here is how you react to his judgment. What women tend to do in their relationships is give their partners the power to be judge and jury on all that is “you”. That is not a smart way to be in a relationship, because now you start judging yourself by someone else’s standards and not your own. You obviously thought that your body was fine when you pulled that bikini out last summer, because if you didn’t you would of ran to the nearest mall and bought a one-piece! You also feel rejected because you have interpreted his statements to mean that he doesn’t like your body and therefore you — but I fear that you may have put way more into what seems to have been a random statement by a shallow man — and nothing more. So what should you do? Next time, don’t allow your boyfriend or anyone to trample all over your spirit. Tell him to mind his business and invite him to a home cooked dinner prepared entirely dressed in your favorite bikini. I think he will get the message!

Dear GirlShrink,
I want a mate who is taller than me, makes more money than me, no kids, but wants them. Are those unrealistic goals for a possible match? And if so — what can I do about it? I want to get married.
-Miss Perfection

Dear Miss Perfection,
I think the way you signed off your letter speaks volumes…Miss Perfection? While I am a big advocate for both men and women to shoot for the stars in all aspects of their lives…there should be some guidelines. Look for the best in a person. Is he compassionate. Loving. Respectful. Kind. Happy. Shoot for the stars where it matters…and then follow the path that life leads you. You may be pleasantly surprised:)

GirlShrink,
My last relationship was a disaster because the man I was with was completely wrong for me in every way. I’m 31 years old. When am I going to start picking men that are good for me or at least compatible?
-Needing Help

Dear Needing Help,
You are obviously repeating a bad pattern when it comes to relationships. You are probably attracted to one thing, but in need of something much different. What you need may represent something that you have yet to accept or identify with, and traits that you are attracted to are probably heavily based from your teenage years. You have got to start thinking about who you are today and what you need from someone in a relationship–and then look for that. When you see someone you are attracted to, great! But don’t forget to make sure that he meets the basic criteria of what you need as a 31 year old woman, and not just the things that made you giddy when your 16!

GirlShrink,
My boyfriend and I have lived together for about 5 years. We have 2 children and we both work full-time. I am a good girlfriend, a good mother, and I love him - but he acts like I’m forcing him to be together! How should I deal with him? What should I say?
-Miserable

Dear Miserable,
I find that many women are afraid to confront their “miserable” mates because they are petrified of what they are going to hear. No one wants to hear that their partners want out. But the only way you are going to stop walking on eggshells is to make the decision to talk to your boyfriend tonight. Find out if he really has a problem with the relationship or perhaps himself. The usual path to misery comes from within - remember that and give yourself a break. I’m sure you are a great girlfriend and a fantastic mother. Don’t forget it!

GirlShrink,
I got myself involved in a relationship that I knew was wrong for me. Now I really want the guy when he made it clear that he wasn’t looking for anything serious. I don’t know what to do at this point.

Dear Friend,
You’ve made the mistake that many of us have made. Welcome to the club! Unfortunately, it’s going to hurt but you have to end it. You could end up wasting years of your life waiting for him to change his mind. Then you finally decide to leave him, he’ll marry someone else 5 months later. That’s how it always happens. Instead - get out now! I’m saving you years of anguish.

GirlShrink,
I’m in I guess an emotionally abusive relationship. He isn’t my boyfriend, but we have sex. Its gotten to the point that he has told me that I am no good in bed and that in fact I should pay him for sex. One time he made me give him $20! And I did it. How can I get out of what I know is a bad relationship for me? I mean I think I love him.

Dear Friend,
This relationship or sort-of relationship is toxic. Loving someone who does nothing but belittle you is not healthy for you. You have to decide that accepting negative attention just to receive any attention at all is not what you want for your life. And find something that you’ve always wanted to try - and do it. Your completion of something new will help boost your self-esteem. Finally, keep your money in your wallet - it can’t be that good!

GirlShrink,
I am 19 years old and I realize I’m still young but ever since I was like 15 years old all my friends have been getting into all these serious relationships, whereas I’m getting into these flings that last 10 days. I don’t think I’m ugly or fat yet I’m not the prettiest girl in the world nor am I the skinniest. I just wonder if I’m doing something wrong or do I just need to sit and wait for mr right. I can’t help but think no guy will ever want me.

Dear Friend,
You get what you demand out of life. If you require that guys only consider you for serious relationships - then all the less suitable applicants will run for the hills once you’ve established that rule. You should not be having several 10 day flings. That probably is because you are having sex too soon with the guys that you meet. I’m sure you’ve been told this a million times — but it is tried and true. If you make them wait, you will be able to weed out less-serious guys. The ones that will stay will be ones that either truly like you or like a challenge. Either way the guy gets to know you and it increases your chances of having a relationships instead of a fling.

GirlShrink,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year and a half, and have lived together since July. He just recently decided to go away for the weekend and basically told me he was sick of me and this town. He said it is just a weekend he needs to get away. He says he still loves me and isn’t thinking about breaking up with me, he just wants to go away for the weekend. In may he is moving to a different town about 4 hours away. I am scared we may end up broken up he claims we won’t but he is a guy, and he has been talking about a promise ring, but I am still scared. Is there anything reassuring you can tell me?

Dear Friend,
Your boyfriend sounds as if he is running from something that he believes your town represents. He may want to spread his wings. Find his purpose. Build a career. Or he may possibly be running from commitment or responsibility. Whatever the case, I wouldn’t take it personally - but I would be prepared for a possible break-up. Long distance relationships are difficult - and if he is already in search of something more or is stressed out, it will only make your relationship with him strained. Only the strongest of relationships can endure long distances.

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